Meaty, mutanty delicacies that we have mentioned on Meat Mutant. Settle for nothing less.

Meat Homunculus

Ingredients

  • A power plug
  • A slab of meat
  • A pillow

Method

Stab meat with power plug, preferably whilst on a beach and under brilliant sunlight for added umami savouriness.

With your other hand, pick up the pillow and use it to either muffle your own screams as your beautiful baby meat homunculus is born, or to smother the meat mutant in case it begins to grow too mighty in its mad metamorphosis (if it’s controlling you with its mind, it may already be too late, so you may want to smother it in any case. Of course, if it feeds on pillows, you’re out of luck).

NOTES: While a meat homunculus is not difficult to spawn, maintaining it is another matter entirely. Refrain from committing the grave error of allowing the homunculus to be born amidst a chorus of screams, for it is all too likely that your meat mutant will associate wails of horror with joyous occasions. If you’re squeamish, you may require more than one pillow to adequately silence your hyperventilation.

It also behoves the aspiring proud meat papa to acknowledge that your meat mutant might very well pine for death. Rather than tying it up to prevent suicide, a more successful approach might be to engage with it and take it for strolls across the park. If your mutant proves the finicky sort, perhaps an exercise course tailored to the needs of a being made of meat ought to top your list of priorities. What that might entail is sadly, at this point, pure conjecture. Use your imagination, and report back.

Though raising a meat homunculus may seem like more trouble than it’s worth, the prospect boasts a number of advantages for the diligent owner willing to soil his or her hands. The typical meat mutant is capable of assimilating into its body other cuts of meat, increasing both the quality of the texture of the absorbed meats, and the level of its loyalty to humans, who must cook the meat. In this way, a chef can sample whole new worlds of meat dishes with which to dazzle unsuspecting customers (one such entrée is the recently perfected showstopper touring France simply entitled “Pork Explosion of the Hinterlands”). A well groomed meat homunculus can fetch its master millions of dollars and friends on Facebook. And the most obvious benefit of a meat mutant is, of course, its value as emergency food itself, which cannot be said for a cat or a dog except in certain sectors of the globe.

 

Adder Stone

Ingredients

  • A veritable pit of expectorating snakes
  • A stone you can hold in your hand
  • A picture of Tom DeLay
  • A tough constitution

 

Method

A mystical panacea, the “adder stone” is formed when a bunch of snakes decided to spit into your stone until it bores a large hole through the centre (you would do well not to form any emotional attachment to the stone beforehand, no matter how long it took you to search for one of the perfect size).

The trick that eludes most people in making their curative adder stones, naturally, is how to get the serpents to spit right where you want them to – or even at all. Some have suggested cross breeding chimeric fusions of snakes with llamas, but the answer is much simpler – even snakes must spit at a picture of Tom DeLay.

You’ll know the snakes are spitting when they go “ptooie, ptooie,” and also by the visible spit they are spitting. If, at any juncture, it seems as though the snakes have begun to hiss, don’t worry, they’re not angry at you for placing in front of them a picture of TomDeLay – it is merely an indication that the combined snake saliva has become acidic enough to burn through the stone.

When completed, use the stone to cure your (very dry) snake bites.

 

Homunculus a la Root

Ingredients

  • 1 mandrake root (obtained from the ground whereon hanged men ejaculated their seed, preferably the seed ejaculated during their last spasms, and picked before dawn on a black Friday by a black dog, and shat upon by a black hen, and fried by a black man).
  • 1 milk
  • 1 honey
  • 3 bloods
  • 5 vials of aged fetuses (can be the fetuses of any combination of mammals)
  • 9 basilisks given to dance

 

Method

 Wash and “feed” the humanoid root with milk and honey and blood, according to the ratio delineated above. Thereafter, imbibe the juices of the vials of aged fetuses (you can leave a drop or two), and join the basilisks in dance, completing 70 times 70 revolutions around the mandrake root. Be sure not to look into any of the basilisks’ eyes, as this will kill you, but be sure also not to keep your eyes shut; a single stray foot, and it’s back to 70 times 70 revolutions. Also, spinning in place is totes cheating.

Use as you desire once it fully develops into a miniature human which will guard and protect its owner—except, evidently, against frenetic basilisks. The potion required to unsummon basilisks has been lost to time.

Note: Finding 9 basilisks given to dance can be a trifling matter or a challenge, depending on whether one is operating within a fictional world. Acquiring the vials of aged fetuses will present difficulties in any scenario.

 

Philosopher’s Stone  

Ingredients

  • The blood of live humans
  • An ornate transmutation array

 

Method

The Philospher’s Stone, a legendary substance of divine ambit and the “Great Work” chased after by all of history’s sufficiently ambitious alchemists (as we have expounded HERE), is within your grasp.

The main failing of those alchemists was their intense scruples.

In reality, the Philosopher’s Stone has little to do with achieving moral perfection, as perhaps the reader has surmised from the list of ingredients.

The manner in which you must arrange the blood on the circle is almost too gruesome to describe (i.e., “all over the place”). However, once that’s done, the process can be quite pleasant.

You must imprint the will of your very soul onto the transmutation circle (this might take a fair few attempts, but you’ll get the hang of it).

We do caution the aspiring immortal to shield their eyes from the impending display of otherworldly horrors should the transmutation rebound (don’t let a missing arm or leg discourage you, though).

NOTE: A Philosopher’s Stone, the all-catalyst, makes concocting meat homunculi even easier.

 

Helpmeat

Ingredients

  • A rib plucked from a live male, preferably a live male made of clay, (though not a golem)
  • Intense desire for a pink, fleshy, muscular, elastic mass of tissues (referring to, of course, a strip of meat)

Method

Adam’s helpmeet, Eve, came into being this way as well, though all of man is really smarting from Adam’s poor implementation of an otherwise sound plan. If he had simply kept Eve in a cage or a ditch, humanity would still be sinless and perfect. Though, come to think of it, Adam’s method was pretty shortsighted in other ways, too–What use is a helpmeet if she’s just going to be carrying you around after you lost a freaking rib, man.

Our helpmeat homunculus will be much less counter-productive, and will prove a much less bone-headed affair both figuratively and literally. With just a touch more finesse, we can improve Adam’s formula and give birth to a new breed of helpmeet that’s both edible and erotic, as well as lacking a functional skull (the most apparent flaw in Eve’s design, since skulls allow for rational thought, with mandibles for nagging). Bonelessness also means more flexibility in the kitchen and in bed. Of course, the live male’s rib needs to be deboned for this to work, and that male will probably need to be okay with you taking the rib, so perhaps you could call it a… boneless spare rib.

 

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