http://jesus-is-savior.com/Books,%20Tracts%20&%20Preaching/Printed%20Sermons/Billy%20Sunday/shew_thyself_a_man-billy_sunday.htm

This time it’s a sermon by pastor Billy Sunday, who seems to have been born with a rare disease that bends him all out of shape.

The Holy Ghost. I CAUGHT THE HOLY GHOST

You may commence the swooning.

No one can read the Bible in a thoughtful way without being impressed with the fact that it makes much of manhood, and holds it up as something that should be sought after with diligence and perseverance.

You know the joke that’s gleefully rattling the bars of its cage, don’t you? You can see right through me

In fact the Bible exalts and emphasizes manhood in a remarkable way, and shows that real manhood is a great thing in the world. The book of Genesis contains sixty chapters and covers 2,300 years of human history, and yet one half of it is devoted to telling us about the colossal manhood of Abraham, and a third to that of Joseph.

The length spent talking up their manhoods is actually proportional to the lengths of their manhoods (which, it goes without saying, were colossal). Proof perfect of the Bible’s veracity!! Praise Jehovah!!

The story of creation is told in 800 words, but a great deal more space is given to the story of Caleb’s rugged manhood. A whole book is occupied with the story of Job, and another with that of Daniel, while long chapters here and there tell us of other men who are safe examples to follow.

Well, when your manhood is that gargantuan, it’s bound to need some “dead space” just for storage. In fact what do you think craters are? The earth God made is very lovely in the right light.

God has thus shown very plainly what He considered important by where He has put the italics.  The Lord is not a respecter of persons, but He is a respecter of character, and a very good respecter of it, too. Indeed, He does more than respect it.  He admires it.

God licks his lips a little whenever he thinks of the patriarchs’ “characters,” which is why he invented the concept of “loose”

Hear his admiration of the character of Job, in the strongest language that even God can use, in declaring, “He is perfect!”

Abraham towers like mountains above molehills when he pushes aside the spoils of the unrighteous king of Sodom, lest he should say that Abraham was depending on him.  Look at Daniel keeping himself pure in that pestilential palace.  Look at David.

And how did Daniel wash himself to renew his purity, except by the manhoods of his peers in righteousness?

We are also told that the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and that he delighteth in his way, and this, I take it, means in plain English, that God loves to watch a real man go out and grow.

Stop it. You can’t be serious with that line.

Let me ask you to note, first of all, that David wanted Solomon to be anchored to a noble purpose.  He didn’t want the young man to drift along in an aimless way, like a log in a whirlpool, but he wanted him to have, his eye set on something for which it would be worth his while to spend every energy to reach.

Yeah, if your method is akin to a “log in a whirlpool,” it would be quite unsatisfactory for all parties.

And so with his dying breath he said, “Don’t be a mere floater, my son.  Don’t be a drifter on the stream of time, but stem the current that would carry you down, but be a man”.

So are you drifting or are you being dragged down?

David himself had been a man of high and lofty purpose.  His own life must have been greatly influenced by the character of Moses and the other mighty men of God who had preceded him.  That his aim was high and his purpose lofty is clearly evident from his life and his writings.

It is not an accident that he went from the sheep fold to the throne.  Success like that never comes about by mere chance.  One reason why there are so many bones bleaching along the highway of life is those who once started out with bright and shining faces never expect to go anywhere in particular.

Take note: One’s manhood must be polished in sheep before moving onto the next big step.  And be sure not to trip over the bright and perky bones of others.

David was faithful to all his duties as a shepherd, but he looked higher than that humble calling, and made it a stepping stone.  While a shepherd he improved his opportunities, trained his powers and qualified himself to be a king.

David was anxious that Solomon should have a high aim. He wanted him to reach out for the top of the mountain.  He didn’t want him to be content with a summer house in the valley.  He wanted him to own the very best estate in the country where the giants were.

He didn’t want him to be an old woman or a sissy sort of a fellow, but a man with knotted muscles on his arms, a big heart in his body and plenty of matter in his head.  He wanted him to aim high, as a king’s son should, knowing that if his aim was high his endeavor would not be wasted.

Oh no, I didn’t know suddenly becoming an old woman was a potential hazard

He wanted his son to raise his chin high enough to look the sun in the face, and so he said, “Solomon, be a man”!

Manhood – true manhood – princely manhood, like that of David, is one of the grandest things in the world, and it is something that counts as nothing else does.

Moreover, if you don’t place a crown upon your manhood, you’re not being enough like barrel-chested, sheep-haired King David.

It does not depend upon the size of the body.  There are men of small stature, like St. Paul and Napoleon, who tower above other men as the mountains above the plain, and there are physical giants who are middle weights in manhood.

Not to mention that oftentimes, it takes a lower stature to better appreciate and appraise manhoods of all sizes.

Samson was a giant in stature and a baby in self-control. It was not the Philistines who destroyed Samson.  It was Samson himself.

The killing thousands of people was great, fucking Arabs, but he really should have laid off the ladies.

To be a man means to he strong in purpose and self-control.  If your manhood is buried under doubt, dig it out. There’s a Gettysburg in every man’s life which he has to fight.  To be ready is half the secret of success.

Holes of “doubt” lie at the bottom of every man, and it would do you well to pull out of them before you burst from the pressure.

Having oil or no oil in your lamp is the difference between light and darkness, between happiness and despair.

You must slather yourself and your loved ones with as much oil as possible to cast light into the wilds of night.

Strive for self control by forming good habits before bad ones fasten themselves upon you.  A thread can be broken, but a rope will hang you.

Yeah but a thread can’t save the boy in the well, now can it? Therefore lose all self-control immediately

Before you get into the hopper take a look at the grist that is coming out.

I don’t have a clue what this means, but let’s assume you can make a mean dick joke out of it.

Be prudent by learning your own strength and weakness, as a wise general knows his army.  Be prudent in speech, for many a fine career has been cut short by a long tongue.  Be prudent in making the best possible preparation for the thing you set out to accomplish.

Start out in life as you would set out for the North Pole.  First make sure that you are ready and then go straight on with confidence.

That’s nice, where is all this in the Bible again?

Be prudent by keeping as far from the edge of every precipice as you can.  Don’t fool with temptation or trifle with sin, for the man who keeps on putting his head in the lion’s mouth every day is certain to have his breathing interfered with sooner or later.

Make your life as colorless as possible but somehow also forge ahead as an iron rock

Get the best training and culture possible.  Remember that knowledge is power, and try to obtain your share of it.  There is no excuse for ignorance in this day, when colleges are everywhere, and books seem to almost grow on trees.

Books are everywhere, and here are the 1% you are allowed to read, and this is exactly what you must glean from those books.

If you are a young man get a college education if you have to live on oatmeal and sorghum molasses to do it. First get understanding and you may have everything else you want.

I’m sure evangelicals love this advice now, as long as it’s Bob Jones University, where the manhoods are just screaming to be unleashed, but must be kept tame lest progeny becomes premature.

Learn how to behold as in a glass His glory and so be changed into His likeness from glory to glory even as by the spirit of the Lord. Let your soul go out to Him and be filled with Him, and you will soon begin to see that everything that is not like Him is unmanly and mean. As Solomon studied and meditated upon the beautiful life of David, his father, so give time and thought and prayer in striving to be like the divine pattern that is shown to you in the perfect Man.  Spend three months in studying His life on its man ward side, and you will have a more exalted knowledge of what it means to be a man than you ever before possessed.  A knowledge that will quicken and inspire you to live for God and man as you never lived before.

A manly man that looks like this:

He’s got a leg up this time! It’s a miracle!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Joe and Emma have never done anything not illegal, and this is doubly true for the Meat Mutant podcast. Furthermore, we own absolutely every property swiped for cheap gags, a fact that may come as a surprise to those who created them. Lawyers, please sling only your most defamatory arrows. Go for the low blows. Contact Joe for a list of everything wrong he's ever done, he should have a fresh list in about fifteen.
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