A treat picked out for your reading pleasure by Emma, today we will be delving into Stewart’s thoughts on a certain buxom restaurant chain.
We are living in wicked times. Amidst all the 50 or so Baptist churches I’ve seen this past week, I was saddened to see a Hooters breastaurant in Knoxville. Over my dead body would you ever find me in a Hooters. I’ve never been in one and never plan to. I knew a professed Christian man who once told me that he only goes to Hooters for their delicious chicken wings. That is wrong! Low-moral women with large breasts are hired to wear tight T-shirts to lure lustful customers. Public lewdness causes lasciviousness and is a sin. It is evil. Hell will freeze over before I go to Hooters, even if they’re the last place on earth that sell chicken wings!!! Speaking of Chicken wings, I ordered some buffalo flavored wings from Papa Johns Pizza last night! Em, em, those are some great chicken wings! Yes Sir!
Holy shit wow. Where to begin?
I could start by tearing into the fundy notion that anything that could be tempting is to be banned immediately and completely. So what, did God hand out big boobs to make those women pariahs, forever to be covered up and avoided? I don’t know about you, but personally I’m not some hair-trigger rapebeast who can’t control himself when a certain mound of flesh comes into view. If you lay some tasty BUFFALO FLAVORED WINGS before me, however, then that mound of flesh is another story entirely.
Second of all, Papa John’s Pizza is the number one reason God can’t possibly exist.
And now onto tattoos I guess??
I’ve never seen so many people marked with tattoos as nowadays. Tattoos are worldly. No Christian should get a tattoo. I saw one tattoo shop called, “Wicked Tattoo.” You don’t go to church to get a tattoo; but rather, you have to go to a house of sin, a worldly establishment, a place where the artist doing the tattoos is as worldly, wicked and saturated with marks of Satan as can be. As with all things that are wrong, many people have seemingly reasonable excuses for getting tattoos. The truth is that the human body is the temple of the Holy Spirit if you are a born-again Christian (1st Corinthians 3:16-17). God literally lives within your body if you are saved (Romans 8:9). Thus, the Lord doesn’t want us to defile our bodies with tattoos, cigarettes, fornication or substance abuse. Satan knows that if he can get you to disrespect your body, then he owns you. Don’t let the Devil advertise on your body.
I love how literalists are never actually literalists. Hey Stewart, where does it say that one’s body being a temple means you can’t put tattoos on it? That’s just your personal interpretation, and isn’t it funny how God agrees with you in everything exactly? Y0u could use that logic for literally anything. Don’t put glasses on, you’re defiling the temple that is your eyes, distorting the way God wanted you to view Creation! Don’t put on that necktie, things that are longer than they are wide are all obviously pagan fertility symbols! Amputate your limbs to have less phalluses on you!
The first thing that Hollywood does to break-in a new actor is to film them completely naked, to desecrate the human body, showing that Satan now owns their soul. You are required to sell your soul to make it big in Hollywood. Along with the soul comes the body and everything else. You can name any big name actor you want… they’ve stripped it all off! In an infamous act of beastly immorality, a desperate mother ripped off her own daughter’s clothes in front of Hollywood studios, begging them to put her daughter into the movies. No wonder the Lord said that no one can serve God and mammon (wealth). You will cling to the one in love, and despise the other in hate. This is what the Lord teaches (Matthew 6:24). Every Christian should decide in their heart and mind that they HATE money and LOVE God. The love of money is the Devil’s trick, and the treat is a sorrowful life, “which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows” (1st Timothy 6:10).
Furthermore, those Satanic pre-ripped jeans were invented to make them easier to tear off for Hollywood executives! The cads!!
That’s all for this week. Hoot hoot.
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Joe and Emma have never done anything not illegal, and this is doubly true for the Meat Mutant podcast. Furthermore, we own absolutely every property swiped for cheap gags, a fact that may come as a surprise to those who created them. Lawyers, please sling only your most defamatory arrows. Go for the low blows. Contact Joe for a list of everything wrong he's ever done, he should have a fresh list in about fifteen.