Joe here. From now on, every Wednesday (Japan time), I will be posting a text review of the latest from Jesus-Is-Savior.com. This is because I am secretly in love with David J. Stewart, fringe fringe fringe evangelical nutjob and convicted child molester extraordinaire.

Our inaugural text review will be an article taken from the site’s “Recent” tab. It’s a little ditty entitled NO ONE LISTENED TO NOAH FOR 120 YEARS

     Noah started building the ark when he was 480-years old. The Bible tells us in Hebrews 11:7 that Noah moved with fear, “By faith Noah, being warned of God of things not seen as yet, moved with fear, prepared an ark to the saving of his house; by the which he condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith.” It had never rained, not even once prior to the flood; yet God told Noah He was going to flood the earth with rain. Hebrews 11:7 teaches us that Noah moved with fear, obeying God’s Word to build an ark to escape the coming dreadful flood and destruction of all life upon the earth.

Really, Stewart. It had never rained. It had never rained. Really, Stewart. Really.

I don’t know if that’s actually some obscure line everyone snoozes over in scripture, or if he just pulled it out of his ass, but either way it’s amazingly stupid. How the fuck did any organisms subsist without the water cycle? I suppose everyone periodically tossed a tyrannosaurus onto a catapult and shot them into the clouds to gather water droplets and drop back down for their human masters with a month’s supply sloshing in their mouths. It’s not like flaming chariots are great for transporting water, after all.

We are reliving the same exact scenario today, just as Matthew 24:37-39 said we would. God has warned that billions of people will be horrifyingly tormented and killed during the 7-year Tribulation (Revelation 9:15-18). Yet, no one is listening today, just as back in the time of Noah. The beaches are filled with naked bathing bodies. The nightclubs and taverns are packed with homosexuals, fornicators, and drunkards seeking a good time. Sin City Las Vegas is booked full with tourists from around the world who flock there to commit sexual immorality in secrecy. But consider yourself warned friend, the Bible says in Revelation 20:12-15 that God is recording all of your sins in a book, from which you will be judged. The same holds true of backslidden believers (2nd Corinthians 5:10-11; Romans 14:12; 12:19; 1st Thessalonians 4:6). God will not be mocked.

YHWH, your buttocks are particularly bulbous and hirsute today

We’re living in the same exact scenario, wherein everyone outside of a single family is a heinous criminal. Teenagers, toddlers, babies, all would be just as deserving of death by flood as those nondescript sinners thousands of years ago!!

Also, were ancient Levantine tribespeople whiling their days sunbathing and skinny-dipping? Lol

Hardly anyone in the world is listening to God anymore and every generation that follows is increasingly apostate, wicked, immoral, faithless, and devoid of God. It is fast becoming as it was in the days of Noah, when no one listened to Noah’s preaching. You’d think that after 120-years that someone would have got saved. If anyone did, they died before the flood, because only 8-people got on the ark and survived the flood. The flood happened at about 2,500 B.C., verified by all historical records and geological evidence. The Bible dates the creation of mankind at about 4,000 B.C.. That was 3,500 years ago. There are approximately 6,800,000,000 people alive on the earth today.

All historical records and geological evidence testifies that the flood happened at 2,500 B.C. You wouldn’t know it without Stewart’s genius theology, but the Library of Congress’s index system has one category, “Proof That the Flood Happened in 2,500 B.C.” Every time you kick a pebble, it skips and zags in a mathematical code that spells out “Proof That the Flood Happened in 2,500 B.C.” Geologists keep burying the evidence with their mastery of the earth, converting gopher-angels into fossils with their Satan shovels.

So it took 3,500 years for 8 people leaving the ark to multiply into 6,800,000,000 people today. I have absolutely no idea how many people perished in the flood, but we do know that there were 1,500-years from Biblical creation until the flood of Noah’s time. So how much did the human race grow in 1,500-years? If we look at the population from 2,500 (8 survivors of the flood) until 1,000 B.C. (population then estimated to be about 50,000,000), we can guess that there may have been approximately 50,000,000 people who perished on the flood. This is only speculation. Only God knows the exact number. I can assure you though that at a minimum, several million people died in the flood and went to Hell forever to be tormented in flames. Not one soul repented under Noah’s preaching. No one got saved. No one cared. Matthew 24:37-38 tells us that everyone just wanted to eat, drink, have sex, and party. Is this not the wicked world today?

Out of 50,000,000 people, Noah pitched his message to ALL of them!? And not ONE of the, again, FIFTY MILLION PEOPLE at the very least humored him, or had their curiosities piqued? All fifty million people besides Noah’s immediate family were incorrigible delinquents with no good in their hearts whatsoever?

And this all strikes you as plausible? Did you read the paragraph you just drooled onto the keyboard, or did you just train the maternity ward abductees lined up neatly on your erection to type what you’d like with their toes unconsciously?

The television has become so vile and filthy. It is rare these days to find a Christian who has a close enough walk with God that convicts them to stop watching the TV. I hate TV. I don’t have cable or TV. It is a waste of time, but worse, Satan is using the TV to corrupt people’s minds. There is not a more vile show on TV than the LIFE cable channel for women. It has produced an entire generation of rebellious feminists, adulterers, and spoiled-brats. Then there’s Walt Disney for teens, corrupting them, teaching teen girls to be whores and young men to be whoremongers. Teens are being taught to talk sassy, dress immoral, and despise God and Christianity.

Women didn’t have any inclination to rebel before Lifetime popped up! Of course, as we all well know, the world is absolutely perfect with men in charge. Men who are taught they can do no wrong if they heart Jesus, even though wielding the belt can really work up a sweat.

Also, Jesus really fucking despised whores, so your indignation is definitely totally in line with his precious ministry <——A LOT OF EXPERTLY HONED SARCASM

In a horrible episode of HOUSE OF PAYNE, a spoiled little brat spouts off disrespectfully to an adult and then slams the door in the adult’s face. A few comments are made toward the end of the show (10-minutes later) telling the little girl that she acted wrongly; but the damage was done to any child watching that vile show. The program teaches children by example how to sass their parents, disrespect adults, and treat their elders like trash. Television is very agendacized these days, indoctrinating the public with self-destructive ideas. Christians ought to find much better things to do with their time, like listen to alternative news sources, learn a musical instrument, study the Scriptures, learn to cook, make your own clothes, et cetera.

It doesn’t matter what the ultimate message is, if something bad happens in fiction, it’s automatically an appeal to all to imitate that behavior. Conflict is the worst trope of all time!

You know, there’s this book with a ton of immoral behavior I think you’d really hate, Stewart. It’s called the Bible

The word “wicked” has been twisted to mean something good, which is exceedingly sinful. If wicked no longer describes the awfulness of sin, then what words remain? Do you see what the Devil is doing? How do we describe evil anymore?

How about with the word “evil”?

Though I’m sure that for the rest of the article, Stewart will seamlessly transition to comparing the arch of Lady Gaga’s eyebrow to the angle of Lucifer’s ingrown crotch hairs in flawless ancient Hebrew, because languages have never evolved and the idea of making a Bible people can actually understand is the utmost silliness.

American society has deteriorated into a shameful wasteland of immorality, selfishness, and stupidity. Love for sin causes people to become foolish, complacent, and dumbed down. The average person doesn’t know what’s really going on in the world. I marvel at how woefully and wilfully ignorant people are, believing everything that the lying newsmedia tells them. Most people are terrified of being labeled as a “conspiracy theorist,” afraid to be an independent thinker, and intellectually too lazy to read and educate themselves. American society has become a bunch of obese slobs who only desire to party, stuff their faces, drink booze, enjoy hobbies, watch sports, have sex, indulge themselves in every selfish whim, and totally forget about the things of Jesus Christ. To the average person the Gospel is foolishness (1st Corinthians 1:21). They are unsaved. Even amongst born-again believers, most of them are choked by the weeds of riches, pleasures, and the cares of this life (Luke 8:14). The things of God are not a priority in their life (Philippians 2:21).

America has degenerated into a whirling pit of slobs with no intellectual integrity, which is why it was during the passion of Christ that we invented the internet

I am encouraged by 1st Thessalonians 4:17-18 where the Bible says Jesus is coming again at the Rapture, and we will be CAUGHT UP to meet with Him in the air, in the clouds. I believe that our resurrected, glorified bodies will have the ability to fly, defying all laws of physics and gravity. Jesus walked through a wall in John 20:26. Jesus defied gravity and ascended up into the clouds in Acts 1:9. We will be able to enjoy eating and drinking, just as Jesus did with His disciples after rising from the dead. What a day that will be. No more neck pain!!!

Stewart evidently suffers from some nerve disorder where he feels a sensation of burning from within, and yet he simply isn’t taking the hint that God doesn’t like him. When the Rapture does come and God personally swings a gigantic hammer to drive Stewart into the bowels of hell for, as God will put it, “an eternity’s eternity,” Stewart will come to believe God is merely playing hard to get.

Noah preached for 120-years, bot no one listened. We are again entering into such wicked times. God destroyed the world by flood because mankind had gone into utter apostasy, so bad that no one got saved during 120-years of Gospel preaching. That’s how hard-hearted humanity had become. Today, fewer-and-fewer people are coming to Christ because of the love of sin in the world (John 3:20). God is ridiculed and mocked much on television and in movies these days. I believe that, just as in Noah’s time, the earth as we know it will come to an end when men are no longer getting saved because of apostasy in the world.

Noah sure sucked at spreading the faith if he didn’t net one measly convert in six scores. God should probably hire a message consultant.

I believe the Rapture is near, and then there will be a 7-year Tribulation Period. 2nd Peter 3:9 teaches that God is patient, but He will only wait so long before closing the door to the ark once more. Once the Rapture happens, God will send strong delusion to the wicked, just as He did to Pharaoh in Moses’ time because He rejected the Word of the Lord. Pharaoh sold his soul to Satan.

I vividly remember the passages where the Pharaoh sold his soul to Satan, directly contradicting the Egyptian pantheon–now remind me, was it around the chapter where God directly hardens his heart so he can be made an example of? Or was it between the double exterminations of the livestock?

Are you listening to God? Hosea 4:6 says that God’s people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge, but the rest of the Scripture tells us why… because they rejected the knowledge of God. Their rebellion was deliberate, as it is today. People could listen, but they simply don’t care. They’re too busy vacationing, partying, fornicating, wining and dining, going to the movies, getting down on the dance floor, offering their phony sycophantic Sunday praises to God, and living in sin.

They’re too busy doing the things that make life worth living–after all, there’s an eternity of sycophantic praising awaiting you in heaven!!

I don’t know about you, but I am listening to God. I choose to SEARCH THE SCRIPTURES as Jesus told us in John 5:39. I pray that you won’t be amongst the foolish, who as the wicked ignored Noah for 120-years in Noah’s day, all died and went to Hell forever. No one can make you love the truth, but 2nd Thessalonians 2:10 tells us to receive the love of the truth. I love the truth. I need the truth. I must have it. I don’t want to believe a lie. Satan is a liar (John 8:44). Jesus is the truth (John 14:6). The Word of God is truth (John 17:17). The Bible can be summed up in one word…TRUTH.

No, Stewart, THE SCRIPTURES aren’t in that two-month-old’s diaper! You’re fumbling around the wrong dick.

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Joe and Emma have never done anything not illegal, and this is doubly true for the Meat Mutant podcast. Furthermore, we own absolutely every property swiped for cheap gags, a fact that may come as a surprise to those who created them. Lawyers, please sling only your most defamatory arrows. Go for the low blows. Contact Joe for a list of everything wrong he's ever done, he should have a fresh list in about fifteen.
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